I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef