I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
😲 WTF? 😆
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.