Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

I get distracted pretty eas

money maker

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Investing in beetcoin

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?