Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.