I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m dying louder than usual today.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music