I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Just had my nails done!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I wanna be friends with this person
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos