Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

No, YOUR illiterate.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop