I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
everyone’s a critic
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Go girl power!
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex