I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.


Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.


Got any spare change?

No, Im an athiest.

Can you give me a hand?

No, Im an athiest.

Hows the weather?

Sorry, Im an athiest.

– Athiests


Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one


Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….


It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.


Did some Doomsday Prepping today

Have enough food for 71 minutes


I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle


My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing


I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”