@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

@copymama

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

@Mikecanrant

Got any spare change?

No, Im an athiest.

Can you give me a hand?

No, Im an athiest.

Hows the weather?

Sorry, Im an athiest.

– Athiests

@ThaJawn

Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one

@Michael_Neese

Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

@shwebby3

Did some Doomsday Prepping today

Have enough food for 71 minutes

@lottie_fly_x

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”