I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.