Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”