I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
