I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I went from rags to one rag.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
meanwhile over on facebook
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
