I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”