I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.