I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You Might Also Like
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
All excellent questions
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*frowns in Scottish*
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
