Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker