“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I try
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My plans: 2020:
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”