I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
