@primawesome

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

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@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

@YRN_Jay15

Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last

@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@CubanaMama82

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

@abhorrent_wife

I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.