I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish