I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.


Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last


doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password


If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.


I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.


I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.