Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop