Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.