Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

The photographer’s assistant

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Frankenstein?

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.