I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not