Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

I missed you with all my darts

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework