Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

🦝🔥🦝🔥

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”