Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia