im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
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wut hotdog?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.