Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

This rocks

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.