I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
You Might Also Like
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I love it all
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.