Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Asking the real questions!

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.