“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
what?
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”