“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes