Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

When libraries troll their patrons.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Lmao

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side