Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Happy Caturday!

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

you know what ruined my childhood? children

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run