I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%