I’m an asshole.
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Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”