I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Always 🥴
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.