Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

This meeting could have been a cake

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*