I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.