Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.