I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Born to be mild.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…