I’m an avid indoorsman.
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What even happened today?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.