I’m an avid indoorsman.
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts