I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
a public service announcement
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.