Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ParentingFacts

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining