Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

lol

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

why am I working on Labor Day

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.