Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation