Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

every. time.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

We all have our pet causes.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.