Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go