Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep