Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share