Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant