I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing