I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
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tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date