Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year