I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.