Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

when revenge coincides with naptime

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

he chose this

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

ready to be harvested

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.