I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Why is no one talking about this?!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
new record!
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Ion see the issue
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.