I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”