Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weighs self after shaving

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

one of

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour