I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?