Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.