I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”