Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

get you a girl who

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Finally, an instrument I can play!