Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.