Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do