i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Leftovers are for quitters!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Dolls on drugs
