Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Just signed an executive order that the dog can no longer use the litterbox.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

i need a beautiful woman to season me and mix me into a giant pot of stew

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse