Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Breaking news:

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake