Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

This is not me but this is me

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!