Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs