Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”