I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
tourist season
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon